Thank you so, so much everyone who helped! I recieved a monetary scholarship in a contest that was mostly won by seniors. You all have been invaluable. *snugs*
Yay! My first YWS piece!
This story is for a contest for a scholarship. My prompt?
For one of the heroes from this year’s theme (Jason, Theseus, Odysseus, or Aeneas), retell an episode from his adventures from the point of view of one of the women involved.
And my woman of choice? Pasiphae. (Puh-sif-eye)
If you are not familiar with the Theseus myth, feel free to click this link:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pasipha%C3%AB
or
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theseus#Minotaur
Heh. The story had to be pretty in depth. ^_^
Also: My limit was 450 words... and this at 450. So I apologize if it seems rushed.
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Thanks for reviewing! It's been submitted to the scholarship. I'll add it in again after the results come.
31544
Silence blanketed our Knossos palace in a dreamy haze.
"Seven young men," my husband said from his throne beside mine. "And seven beautiful maidens." His avaricious eyes lingered over every curve of the young girls' bodies. My hand lay, listless and ignored in his. His eyes hesitated over a particularly beautiful Athenian maiden, who clung to a fellow sacrifice. She turned away from Minos.
My attention, however, was focused on the youth she hid behind. His face shone with a brilliance that was not of a mere mortal. Theseus, I thought. The famed prince of Athens. A demigod. He claimed paternity by Poseidon. Poseidon. The cause of my torment.
From rumors spreading throughout the palace, I knew the girl was Periboea, whom Theseus had saved from the amorous intentions of my husband.
I was used to the whispers, watching Minos touch the slave girls too affectionately, smelling the perfume on his robes -- yet it was I who had brought shame to my house.
"You have honored your promise." Minos pulled his hand away from mine and pointed at the demigod. "And you, Athenian scum, shall be the first to pay retribution for the death of Androgeous."
Androgeous. My son. Killed by my lover, that flawless bull of Poseidon. The father of Asterius. My son. Theseus nodded. "Tomorrow you shall enter the Labyrinth and meet the monster. Take them away!"
The guards led our captives away. My daughter, Ariadne, gasped. "Father! You musn't feed him to the beast!"
"He isn’t a beast," I muttered. "But a prince."
Minos slapped me. "It is no son of mine! It is an abomination! No creature such as that will ever rule Crete, Pasiphae!"
He dismissed me to my chambers. I imagined my son, far below the palace floors, pacing in the dark, denied even light. I wondered how this young Athenian would fare.
The next morning, I remained in my chambers rather than endure the ceremonial opening of the Labyrinth doors. Cheers from below told me that there were now two princes hunting in the Labyrinth.
At length, I heard a sudden shout. I rushed to the window to see Ariadne sprawled over the dock. Theseus helped her up. I made no attempt to alert the guards as the two bored holes in the Cretan fleet. They then made their way to an Athenian ship docked there, its black sails blowing in the wind.
Horror gripped my heart. My son!
I ran into the Labyrinth. The smell of rotted flesh overwhelmed me. My mouth felt dry. I could not say that inhuman word -- Minotaur. I called my son by his name. "Asterius!" The only reply was my voice, echoing through the gloom.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello dear! Music here, as requested! Great job on the piece, by the way!
Grammar & Line-by-line Comments:
Language Usage & Writing Style: Wonderful, Antigone! I really enjoyed reading your piece, but I would prefer if you could fit in a few more [short] elaborations here and there.
Otherwise, I don't really have any issues to mention!
Imagery & Emotion: It didn't seem too rushed for me, but I'd like for you to include more emotions of Pasiphae's, like the example from the Line-by-line section. It will help the reader grasp her personality without going into detail, and you'll be showing instead of telling, too!
As for imagery, I thought it was nice. Try to explore things outside of sight, though, such as touch, body language, and smell.
Characters: I liked your characters, but I will say that I got side-tracked/confused about Pasiphae's sons. That could possibly be me having an ADD moment or something, and I understood everything after reading the Wikipedia thing and then re-reading your piece, but I got Asterius and Athenian screwed up in my brain, and I didn't understand that Asterius's father was a bull until I read the Wiki thing. Again, this may just be a dumb moment on my part, but make sure everything's clear to the reader! ^^
Plot & Storyline: I liked the story, and I thought you had a very nice take on it! Good work.
Overall, I really enjoyed it! Good luck with that contest!
Questions? PM me.
Love,
Music
Wow. Tigger, I am thoroughly astonished that this is your first piece posted on YWS. Really, what have you been waiting for?!?
I don't find it too rushed, actually. I think its pace worked fine; we were given a satisfactory glimpse into a scene without following the character for too long or being bogged down my description. My only suggestion regarding pace would be to really make that decision withh your choppy sentences-- either go all-out and make the entire narrative very disjointed and broken to give it that effect, or connect more sentences to extablish a bit more of a reasonable flow. As you have it now, half of the story is choppy and half perfectly smooth to the reader. I think the overall effect would be much cleaner and more obvious if you chose one direction to take with your sentence structure, and do it all the way.
With Pasiphae, I would like a tiny bit more description and explanation about her emotions. Particularly, how she feels about her son and her lover, the white bull. I really didn't get a good idea of whether she regrets her affair with the bull or not, although it's obvious she loves her son very much. I'd play up a bit more on that. I know you have a word limit, but try to cram some of that confusion in there somewhere-- her battle against her love for the bull and her half-bull child, and the whole horrible scandal of the relationship.
Okay, so I see that you already have some other opinions, yes? I'll leave this short, then.
Good luck with this, Antigone, and I really hope to see you post some more on YWS! ^^
I'm so going to read Snoink's critiques to improve my own. xD
Antigone- Ah. Okay. That's actually a really cool fact.
And, why do you think I added the line "or is Wiki wrong?"
Daaanng, Snoink.
I trust my Meridian more than any Wiki article!
Thanks a lot!
Rosey: The names differ a lot in mythology. Not only do characters have different epithets, but the myths were passed down differently.
It's like a game of telephone. It's perfectly conceivable that a syllable would change.
And, I have I feeling this does interest you (:) ), but, in the Greek alphabet there is no H. A certain letter makes a rough breathing noise, like in Here (Hera). There's debate onto how they said those, or what regions spoke the dialect.
Perioboea and Asterius are the most common names.
*looks in her Myth Dictionary*
It says Asterius.
I trimmed 106 words from it. Add to where it seems lacking:
****
Silence blanketed our Knossos palace in a dreamy haze.
"Seven young men," my husband, Minos, said from his throne beside mine. "Seven beautiful maidens." His eyes lingered over every curve of the young girls' bodies, hesitating over a particularly beautiful Athenian maiden.
My attention, however, was focused on the youth she hid behind. His face shone with a brilliance that was not of a mere mortal. Theseus, I thought. The famed prince of Athens. A demigod. He claimed paternity by Poseidon. Poseidon. The cause of my torment.
"You have honored your promise." Minos pulled his hand away from mine and pointed at the demigod. "And you, Athenian scum, shall be the first to pay retribution for the death of Androgeous."
Androgeous. My son. Killed by my lover, that flawless bull of Poseidon. The father of Asterius. My son.
Theseus nodded.
"Tomorrow you shall enter the Labyrinth and meet the monster. Take them away!"
The guards led our captives away. My daughter, Ariadne, gasped. "Father! You mustn’t feed him to the beast!"
"He isn’t a beast," I muttered. "But a prince."
Minos slapped me. "It is no son of mine! It is an abomination!"
He dismissed me to my chambers. I imagined my son, far below the palace floors, pacing in the dark. I wondered how this young Athenian would fare.
The next morning, I remained in my chambers rather than endure the ceremonial opening of the Labyrinth doors. Cheers from below told me that there were now two princes hunting in the Labyrinth.
Suddenly, I heard a shout. I rushed to the window to see Ariadne sprawled over the dock. Theseus helped her up. I made no attempt to alert the guards as the two bored holes in the Cretan fleet. They then made their way to an Athenian ship docked there, its black sails blowing in the wind.
Horror gripped my heart. My son!
I ran into the Labyrinth. The smell of rotted flesh overwhelmed me. My mouth felt dry. I could not say that inhuman word -- Minotaur.
"Asterius!" I called. “Asterius!”
Hiya Antigone!
Since I've been following this for awhile, I can't resist the chance to review this. ^_^
Looking at this with the italics, and this being the only time the thinks, I'd actually delete the italics and "I thought." Then it would blend in with the tone of the work.
It seems you've switched the names. In the drafts before, it was "Eriboea." If this is the correct name, I'm glad you've fixed the mistake! xD
Hmm, after reading the links provided, I'm not sure how much this works anymore. Since she put a charm on him that would kill any lover he took.
No matter how much I read this, I can't really get over the choppiness. I keep telling myself it's for effect, but, still. It stands out with it's choppiness because of how smooth everything else is. Replace some periods with commas, please.
~ Peanut pointed out the spelling mistake here.
~ The tags the way they are make me think it's Theseus speaking. (Italicized bit)
~ "Away" is slightly repetitive here.
"At length" feels a bit weird. Like it's a measurement of distance instead of time. Although it might fit with the time-period?
This description is a bit clunky. Mostly it's due to the repetition of "the" (bolded). Try to rework it so things aren't so hard to read.
I think you could delete "docked there" since "there" needs more explanation. I'm pretty sure people would fill in the blanks that the ship was docked.
According to Wiki, his name was "Asterion." Or did Wiki get it wrong?
Beautiful ending, although I'd put it on its own line.
*
So very hard to comment on different categories when it's so short!
Accuracy: You're more read in Greek myth then I am, but I found a location or two where you might want to check the accuracy of your statements. I could be wrong, but just in case. ^_^
Pace: I hardly found this rushed. In a limited story like this, that's to be expected somewhat, and I didn't find any places where things need to be slowed down. Just one location that could use some cutting, but it was pretty good.
Characters: Nicely developed for such a short story! I could feel for all of them, and not one was really slack.
Overall: I quiet liked this Antigone! It was a hard thing to critique. Do let me know when this is edited!
Questions? PM me.
~Rosey
Yay! I adore Greek myths; that's a really great prompt.
You did a great job with this. Pasiphae is definitely a neglected character and it's great you chose to broaden her story. The voice is strong and clear, and it is very easy to define the character, even though you only have a word limit of 450 words. She essentially defines the Greek woman, maternal and kind but neglected by the rest of society. I like how you also took the time to portray the fact that women were little more than property to be used and cast aside, which demonstrates your clear knowledge of Greek history.
It's certainly a heartwrenching story; Pasiphae really loves her son, despite his strange appearance. I don't think stories have addressed that much before. I almost wish you could expand on this and talk about their mother-son relationship more, but alas!
I have little to say in terms of spelling or grammar considering your limit, so I wish you the best of luck with the scholarship! With an entry like this, you'll score!
Wow! Thanks a lot, April!
I'm glad to know you liked it.
Yeah, I thought I might be over-doing it with the choppiness, but... I think I'll keep it.
And sorry, but it's a strict word limit. I already asked.
--Antigone
I would replace that first period with a semi- colon, please.
You need a space between "Theseus" and "nodded".
Wow. Just... wow. Like I said before, you're going to rock that scholarship! I could barely find any mistakes at all. I would tell you to lengthen it, but would the contest allow it? Not sure, but I would love to read more.
Write on!
~April